Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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