it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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