I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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