I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
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Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
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Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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