So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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