fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Randomize
