hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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