Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
