It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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