Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Boobs are out for the taking
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
