I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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