her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
