Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
