Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
