Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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