my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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