I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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