I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
