My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
