while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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