You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
