Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
