we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
