Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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