the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
