toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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