The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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