I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
