sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
