Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
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No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
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also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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