How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
