Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
