He disabled his match.com account in front of me
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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