So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
