Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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