There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
