I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
