If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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