I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
