he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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