I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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