Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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