Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
