Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
