so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
