i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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