my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He passed out mid-signature
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
