I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
