So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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