If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
