I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
how does that bad decision feel?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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