my sisters under your porch take her home
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
