He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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