The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
