i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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