I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
