Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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