You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
